I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
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My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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