I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
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god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
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Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.