did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
23 Strangest Things That Gave Dudes A Boner
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
These 21 People Shouldn’t Be Giving Dating Advice
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"