I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
