It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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