i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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