They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
