Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
