We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
