She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
