mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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