My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
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She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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