I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
