I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
