My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
