i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
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