My sheets look like a crime scene.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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