and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
