I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
