if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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