omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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