I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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