Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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