The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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