my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
