I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
