I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
