i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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