Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
