I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
