my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
