I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
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Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
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then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I have fence marks all over my body
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There's even glitter on my cock...
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