I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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