Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
