So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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