it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
