Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
