gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
