That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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