i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
