Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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