And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize