tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
