My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
