some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
