I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I want to fling myself into the sun
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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