Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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