So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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