Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
