Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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