so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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