hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
We have so much sex to catch up on
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
