they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I wish you could order shots online.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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