my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
