After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
