I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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