We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
