someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
