i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
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We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
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The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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