So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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