dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
