i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
not ubering you a puppy
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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