I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
